My own inner critic had some things to say this week…

Last week, I told y'all that I'd given a talk about the inner critic. The talk was so much fun, and I really liked what I'd written, even though I'd only had a few days to put it together. And then I had a free group coaching call (it was awesome and you can sign up for the next one here).

On the free call, I delivered an abbreviated version of my inner critic talk. And one of the womxn on the call asked a really important question. A question I hadn't addressed in my talk. 

She was like, yeah, but the inner critic isn't completely wrong. Like, even if this is evolutionary mechanisms plus social conditioning, if I say something in a meeting, it's totally true that someone might not like it. 

And, y'all, SHE'S RIGHT, of course. While my talk covers a lot of the things I wanted to cover - what the inner critic actually is and one effective way to handle her - there are ways I can make that talk even better and even more thorough. Also, my talk can be good and I can want to add some stuff to it. They can both be true at once. 

Of course, my own inner critic (yes, I still have one, even though I am a coach, also huge LOL if you think I don't) was like OH NO. But here's the thing. I am deciding, on purpose, to think that this is great. 

Yes, GREAT. Often, we must do things in order to be able to do them better. It's common sense, but for so many of us, we don't want to do things until we can do them perfectly. And that day is never coming. Because we're humans and also because the way we get good at most stuff is by being willing to tolerate being ok (or even bad) at it at first. 

My talk was good, and there's room to make it even better. So many of us just want others to tell us that our work is amazing. That it's as good as it can be. But why? It's only so that we can be proud of what we've done. I am choosing to be proud of what I've done, to be pleased with it, and to also still simultaneously want to change it. 

This is not how most of us were taught to think. 

For most of us, if someone actually does say our work is amazing and flawless, 1. we generally don't believe them when they say that and 2. if we do believe it, then that also means that our work doesn't have room to grow and change. Which, for me at least, is not ideal. While I think my talk was good and solid, I do not think it's the most brilliant speech ever delivered. There's room for improvement and that's great. 

Because I want to improve. I want my talk to improve. I want it to help as many people as possible. And when I care more about helping as many people as possible than I do about looking perfect, then people poking holes in my work is THE BEST THING.

I am so grateful for a woman who was willing to say, ok, but what about this? 

People telling you that your work is good is awesome. I like that part, too. But people telling me how I can make it even better is also awesome, and it's actionable. It gives me something to think about, something to ponder. And when I don't make that mean that my original thing wasn't good enough, then it's pretty enjoyable to ponder on stuff like this (for me, at least - I mean, I'm a coach, this is pretty much ALL I think about all the time).

Oh, and to answer the initial question, yes, sometimes people might not like what you say in a meeting. Your inner critic isn't wrong about that. But it's important to understand WHY she thinks that matters. Like, so what if someone doesn't like what you have to say in a meeting? Like I said in the original talk, there's a part of your brain that thinks people not liking what you say = going to be kicked out of the tribe and die.

So, when your inner critic says that people might not like what you have to say, it's important to tell yourself what that actually means. Yes, they might disagree with you. And then you can choose to think you're stupid and that you shouldn't have ever said anything to begin with (this is classic inner critic) or you can choose to think, ok, I was brave and I tried.

What the other people think is not the point. Like, yes, you might have someone say they don't agree and you will actually be in that moment with them and you might need to say something back. But what actually matters is what you say to yourself. When you make the choice to be kind to yourself in your own head, it's ok if people disagree with you sometimes. It doesn't have to mean anything about you. It doesn't mean you made a mistake or that you should've known better. It just means you tried something. Or it means that you chose not to try something, and you can be kind to yourself about that, too. 

This work isn't just about speaking up. It's also sometimes about not berating yourself for not speaking up. It's about looking at what you've done and seeing how it's good first, and only then saying, ok, and I'd like to make it better, too.