127. Being in Control

You can’t control everything.

And you hate that, right?

It’s so annoying.

You also sort of don’t believe it.

Part of you thinks that if you just nail that big work project, finish your to do list, get your spouse to put their dirty laundry into the actual laundry basket, etc, then your life would finally, finally feel good, tidy, and under control.

You’d finally be able to relax and breathe.

You’d finally be able to enjoy the fruits of your labors.

You’d finally be able to move on to the actual important things you want to accomplish so badly (but that you’ve been putting off until everything else is “under control.”)

Things like:

Switching careers.

Starting a business.

Taking up rock climbing.

Learning woodworking.

Here’s the truth: you don’t need to control everything to have a wildly satisfying life and career. 

You can’t control everything. But you also don’t need to.

Also: you have a lot more under control than you’re giving yourself credit for.

You just can’t see it right now.

Learn how to enjoy the control you do have and create a wildly satisfying life and career starting right now on this week’s episode.

If you want to supercharge your capacity to create a life that blows your mind, I have some one-on-one coaching slots opening up soon. Send me an email and let's talk about it or click here to schedule a call with me and we’ll see if we’re a good fit to start working together! 

If there are topics y’all want me to talk about on the podcast, feel free to write in and let me know by clicking here! I’d love to hear from you! 

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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:

  • Why it’s always a good idea to question what your brain offers you.

  • A counter question to ask your brain when it says you need to be in control. 

  • My thoughts on why we want to be in control. 

  • What to do when you feel like you need to be in control. 

LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:

FEATURED ON THE SHOW:

FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

This week we’re talking about being in control.

You are listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It, the podcast for ambitious, high-achieving women who are ready to stop feeling stressed about work and kiss burnout goodbye forever. Whether you’re starting a business or staying in your day job, this show will give you the coaching and guidance you need to start loving your work today. Here’s your host, Career Coach, Kori Linn.

Hello, hello, hello. Happy Wednesday. Happy podcast day. I hope this episode finds you very well. I was coaching one of my one on one clients earlier and we had a conversation that I was like, oh, the podcast needs to hear about this immediately. So now here I am to record a podcast for you all about it.

So basically, this client said I could tell you who they are by name, so this is my client, Iris, who is wonderful. And so Iris moved recently. And not only did Iris move, but she moved countries, from one country to another country. So she’s been setting up her apartment in her new place. And her brain was kind of rushing her and pushing her to kind of get everything put away and get it all put together and have it all be really nice.

And I’m sure many of you can relate. I know I can relate. I moved to Sacramento almost two years ago, and still some of our stuff is not put together. We very recently just painted our living room, even though as soon as we moved in – Well, before we moved in we knew we didn’t like the paint color that was up there. But it took a long time to sort of do that. And it’s taken a really long time to settle in here. Especially because we’re doing some work on the house. These things take time, right?

But so for this client, her brain was sort of beating her up about that. And we were kind of digging into it. And what we got to was the why was that her brain was like, well, when you’re all unpacked, then everything will be under control. You’re going to feel like you have control and it’ll be good.

And Iris has been coaching with me for a while, so she was kind of like but why do I even care about being in control? And that’s a great question. That’s a great coaching question. Anytime your brain, which it’s going to sound like you, but just inside your head. But I just call it your brain to sort of create some distance between you and all the sort of various thought patterns we have up there. Because, as we know, our thought patterns are not us, they’re ways of thinking that we learned from other people in society.

So anytime your brain says to do anything, it’s always a really useful question to be like, why do I even want that? Why would that even be a good thing? What is my brain actually trying to get to? But in this case, I actually coached Iris sort of in the opposite direction. And I was like, but you are in control. And she was like, what?

And I was like, yeah, you’re in control. You moved from one country to a different country. You secured a new job in a different country, and then moved there and you found an apartment. And you moved all your shit and then you’ve been unpacking it. Even before all the stuff was fully unpacked, Iris was in control. She has been in control the whole time.

Now, here’s the kicker, she’s not in control of everything, right? And this is, I think, actually such an important thing because when we’re like, “Oh, I want to be in control,” another interesting question is control of what? And is it something you can actually control? Or is it something else?

So kind of what I was pitching Iris on was like, yeah, you’re in control. You pay your bills and the things are set up and you’re loading the dishes in the dishwasher. And even if not every single box is put away, you are in control of this scenario.

Now, there’s plenty of things we’re not in control of. We’re not in control of the weather, which is super rude, right? This time of year I’m wanting it to be sunnier than it is. I’m like, “Ah, I wish I was in control of the weather.” But you know what? I’m not. And it’s probably better that I’m not because I probably wouldn’t be very good at it because I don’t have a lot of experience controlling the weather.

So we’re not in control of the weather. We’re not in control of other people. We’re not in control of what they think about us, but we’re also not in control of what they do. We’re not in control of the plants and when they bloom. We’re not in control of when the grocery store is open or closed. We’re definitely not in control of our bosses, or even our direct reports at work. We’re not in control of our significant others.

There’s so many things we’re not in control of, so that part’s true. But there’s also so many things you are in control of. And I bet there’s so many things that you have super fucking handled that you’re not even giving yourself credit for. And that’s just really interesting to notice.

So if you’re ever feeling out of control and being like, I just want to get this to-do list done. Or I just need to get this work project done. Or I just need to have this conversation with my boss. Or I just need to get through this phase where my kid is doing this behavior that I don’t prefer.

If you think you need to get through those things to be in control, the good news is you don’t actually need to get through those because you’re already in control of lots of things and you’re doing a great job at it. And there’s a lot of things you’re never going to be in control of. And that’s okay and you don’t need to control everything to have a happy, satisfying life.

Okay, so this is sort of like what I was coaching Iris on. And I thought it would be so useful for y’all too. Now, the question that Iris asked that was so brilliant was, why do I even want to be in control? I think that’s also important. So let’s talk about that here, too.

If you’re a person who wants to be in control, if you want to have the thought, “I’m in control,” and you want to have that sort of feeling in your body of having things under control, which what even is that feeling? When I think about it, for me, it’s like calm and confidence together. And so that’s really even just interesting, like, oh, there’s lots of ways to feel calm and confident, even when you can’t control everything.

So if that’s what you really want, that’s achievable. And coaching is one of the ways you learn to call up those feelings in your body so that you can experience them and delight in them, and enjoy them, but also so that you can use them as fuel to do all the things you want to do in your life.

But let’s ask for you. If for you, you want to be in control, why? If you want to feel in control, why? What do you think it’s going to do for you? What do you think it’s going to get for you? Is it just because you want to feel that calm confidence I was just talking about? Do you think being in control would protect you from something or save you from something?

I have a guess on this, and it’s just a guess, so it might not be true for you but I think about this kind of stuff a lot. And so my guess is that we want to be in control, or we want to be able to think I’m in control and believe that thought, because we want to feel safe. And I think that’s interesting.

So much in my experience, like kind of getting to know my own thought patterns and what my motivations are at a really deep level, through coaching and through therapy, so much of it for me, so much of it comes down to just wanting to feel safe, wanting to feel worthy, and wanting to feel loved, right? Worthiness, love, belonging, and safety, which kind of all are the same thing in a way.

So is that what it is for you? If you want to feel in control, is it actually because you want to feel safe? And even confidence. Confidence is sort of a form of safety too because confidence is like I’ve got this, I’m going to figure it out. And safety is like I’m okay and if or when something goes wonky, I will figure it out. Because life being what it is, something will go wrong at some point and that, I think, is just something to be accepted.

I see so many people who are like, oh, if something goes wrong, it means I did something wrong. And I’m like, what? Why would you assign that meaning to it? In this world, things are going wrong all the time. Look around, y’all, things are going wrong, and right, and beautifully, and terribly all of the time for all kinds of people no matter what choices we’ve made. So to me it’s not an indication that I’ve done something wrong, it’s just an indication that there’s something that I would like to deal with or work on now.

So what I want y’all to take away from this is a two-fold idea, right? And part one is, if you want is to feel in control, notice where you’re already in control. Notice where you’re already doing a really good job.

And by in control I don’t mean super grippy and rigid and squeezing everything to death with your strong grip, right? Because I think sometimes that is what people think of when they think of control, or like being in control is like controlling everything. That’s not what I’m saying.

But it’s like think of where you’re already on track. Think of where you’re already doing well. Think of where you’re already being responsible. Think of where you’re already meeting the standards. Think of where you’re already doing so well that your brain even forgot to look at that because – And this is the thing I talk about all the time, brains tend to focus on and pay attention to what’s not working or what we’re worried about.

And if everything in our life is working, then our brain is like, well, the world could end tomorrow or probably a disaster is coming. And the things that we’re so good at, our brain just doesn’t even notice or register because it’s like, oh, well that’s already handled. But then that means we feel like shit a lot of the time because it would feel really nice and good and be very galvanizing and confidence building to focus on and pay more attention to the places where we’re already crushing it.

So, again, if you are craving feeling like you’re in control, where are you already in control really successfully? Places for me are like I pay my rent on time every month to Alex. So that’s funny because it’s my girlfriend, but that’s the thing I’m really good at.

And even before Alex and I got together, I think there have been a few times in my life probably when I’ve been late on it. But that’s something I’m really good at. I’m very in control of paying my rent, even when I was in a lot of credit card debt because I was kind of trying to transition from bartending/freelance writing into having a nine to five, I still managed to pay my rent.

So that’s a place where I’m in control, I have control. I built up the responsibility and the skill set to be good with my money, at least in some ways, even when I wasn’t being great with my money in other ways, and I accomplished this thing. I was in control of paying my rent and I did that.

And I’m sure there are things for you, right? Where are you in control? Where are you doing the things you said you would do? Where are you following through and stuff like that? And appreciate that about yourself and be like, “Oh, fuck yeah, I’m actually responsible. I’m in control. I’m doing some shit, for sure.”

And then for the stuff where you’re not in control, or for the places where you crave more control, it’s like what is it that I really want? And is there a way to get that without having to be in control of everything? So we talked about before, you don’t control everything. You don’t control the weather. You don’t control other people. You don’t control sometimes which projects you get at work, stuff like that. We can always ask for what we want, and y’all know I’m a big proponent of that. And also, some stuff is outside of our control. But that doesn’t mean we’re out of control.

And if there is something we would like to control, but that we don’t have the skill set to control it yet, or just don’t have that responsibility, like if it’s something we want to tackle at work but it’s not in our domain, like we haven’t been assigned to tackle it. So it’s literally out of our control, then you can ask yourself, what do I think I would be able to get by being in control of that? And how can I give that to myself anyways?

Okay, so as an example, let’s take that work project thing. If there’s a project you want to have at work and you want to be able to control it and you want it to be in your control, why? Is it so you can feel safe in your job? Is it so you could feel accomplished? Is it so you could feel successful?

And if you’re not able to actually control that one thing, how can you give yourself that anyways? If you want to feel safe, tell yourself the story of how you are safe. None of us are 100% safe, not in this world where there is uncertainty, right? But what are the ways in which you are safe? Make that argument, tell yourself that story.

If you want to feel accomplished, what are the ways in which you are accomplished whether you take on that task or not? If you want to feel successful, what are the ways in which you are successful whether you take on that task or not?

Okay, so let’s review. If you’re trying to do something in your life and you’re doing it so that you can feel in control, how are you already in control? What are you already in control of? Where do you actually have control, like locked and loaded is the phrase my brain keeps saying, even I think that’s a gun phrase. So it’s really weird that my brain would bring that up. But anyways, where is it on lock? Like, where do you have that?

And for the things you can’t control, what is it you would want from being able to control that? And how can you give it to yourself in a different way? And giving yourself stuff in a different way, it’s kind of like if you’re hungry, and what you really want is pizza. But for some reason you can’t have pizza. You can still give yourself nourishment in another way.

And if what you want is pizza, but you can’t have pizza, you could still give yourself tomato sauce, and maybe in a different way. Or maybe you could still give yourself cheese or bread, or some of the elements of pizza in a different way without having to give it like the exact thing your brain thinks it wants.

All right, y’all, that’s what I have for you today. It’s not that complicated of a lesson. But I think it’s really going to be helpful because I think control is something that a lot of us struggle with because we really want to be in control. But I also think the idea of being in control has become kind of demonized, interestingly, where people are like, “Stop trying to control everything.”

Which I agree, stop trying to control everything. But also you can embrace and relish in the areas where you do have control, or you have things under control and that feels really good to you. It’s a little bit both and, right? Which is how a lot of things are here at Kori Linn LLC and here on the Love Your Job Before You Leave It podcast.

Okay, so that’s what I have for you. And if you want to, like my client Iris, work on this more deeply and more personally, I invite you to come sign up for a consult call. I’ve got a few ways I’m working with clients now. The next SAF cohort, which is my small group coaching program, will launch in the fall. And then I’m also currently working with clients one on one. And I even have some spaces for people to get started right away.

So come on over to my website, sign up for a consult call and let’s have a conversation about what a wildly delicious version of your life and career would look like and how coaching can help you get there.

Okay, that’s what I have for y’all. Thanks so much and I’ll talk to you next time. Bye.

Thank you for listening to Love Your Job Before You Leave It. We’ll have another episode for you next week. And in the meantime, if you’re feeling super fired up, head on over to korilinn.com for more guidance and resources.
 

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128. Tone of Voice

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126. Too Much & Not Enough